finished being overstimulated about 5 minutes ago. taking off my makeup and drawing for a bit seemed to help. speaking of which, i've been getting invested in art again. i wrote a one-shot fic (which i will NOT be posting under this name for fear of persecution) and i practiced a lot of anatomy today. i rediscovered my love for sketching, something i thought i lost a long time ago.

the question i want to ask myself now is... what made me stop drawing in the first place?

it couldn't have been the abuse and stuff, right? that would make me feel really pathetic if that were the case. imagine you get diddled and you're like.. i'm never drawing again. like what kind of sense does that make? i don't know. maybe i'm overthinking it.

i've spent the past few days (since wednesday, i believe?) at my bf's apartment. i think i'll go home tomorrow. i mean, we don't officially live together or anything, so.. i'm simply a visitor. which makes me extremely depressed because my brain says "you guys should be living together by now!! it's what was foretold for you!!" but. i guess that's not how life is. my brain also says that he's holding off on living with me so he can leave me if the urge strikes him.

my brain is a very unreliable narrator.

i woke up at 6 AM this morning, bid my boyfriend farewell, and went to my local park to watch the sun rise. i realized after a few minutes how lonely i felt. the feeling has been pervasive for over a week now. it's odd because there's no reason for me to feel such a way.

i put my new photo album to good use by printing 50 4x6 pictures at CVS and organizing them within the plastic sleeves. i wrote the date the picture was taken and the names of the people in the picture on the back. my memory is poor and i'm sure i won't talk to most of these people anymore within the next 10 years. perhaps even 5. the plastic cover was ripped so i wove some black ribbon through the tear to make it seem intentional. there's a reason why it was on clearance, i suppose.

my mind seems to be deteriorating at a rapid pace. i say rapid because it's happening faster than i am comfortable with. i cry over nothing. i get angry over nothing. i am constantly worried that anything i put in my mouth is poisoned. i am constantly worried that the people around me want to harm me in some way. at this point, i don't know what to attribute my symptoms to. i want to be a counselor/therapist but i can't work my way around my own brain. it's rather pathetic.

i don't feel like i can talk about how i feel to other people lest i burden them even more so i'm writing everything here.

i seem to have soft-locked my game. i would really like to delete my current save and start over, but what if there's a chance to get rid of the soft-lock? i suppose it doesn't really work like that, though. and deleting my save file risks getting rid of all of my progress so far. all of my memories. all of my relationships. and what if i can no longer access the game afterwards? what if it all fades to black? very unfortunate circumstance.

thoroughly enjoying my read-through of house of leaves. i haven't been this attached to a book in a long time. as of writing this entry i am over halfway done. johnny my beloved... i understand you wholly... wholly doesn't look like a word so i had to confirm that it was. has my vocabulary dulled that much?

after 2 pm i get to see my boyfriend in the flesh. we plan on playing more expedition 33. it's been a great deal of fun watching him play. i love rpgs and i'm happy to have found someone who shares in this passion.

i've been sitting in a corner of the library totally alone for the past couple of hours. i love being alone. it's been very comforting to me as of late. i think perhaps i'm not meant to be the social butterfly with 50 friends that i've been trying to be. i'm much different than the people i interact with on a daily basis. not that i'm "more special" than them or something stupid like that. i'm just fundamentally different and i'm not meant to be surrounded by people. my purpose is greater than that. other people and relationships are a distraction... but i'll still talk to people when they talk to me. that's just good manners.

goodbye for now.